Once in a while, we come across a guest Expert who has something impactful to contribute to the Savvy Auntie Community. we asked Liz Scherer to share her perspective on what postmenopause represents to her as an Auntie. We love her point of view and advice and are proud to share it with you here.

When Savvy Auntie Editor-in-Chief Melanie Notkin approached me to write a piece on the transition to menopause and how it affects women without children, I had to take a step back. This request came on the heels of a post I had written for Flashfree about my personal decision to remain childless and how I felt about it both as a woman of a ‘certain age’ and within the larger context of society. .

In that post, I wrote:

“I became pregnant at a time in my life when I felt I was too unsettled to properly care for a child. A time when I was with a partner with whom I didn’t feel comfortable sharing parenting responsibilities. A time that was simply the wrong time. period. And after that? I certainly weighed the pros and cons of having children, many times. However, I ultimately decided that I was happier without having children of my own.

As I near my fiftieth year (perish the thought!), I don’t feel as though the decision to leave the childbearing to other women is one that I regret or will ever regret. I made the decision based on timing, circumstance and a nagging feeling that I wasn’t meant to have a child, at least not in this lifetime, that I had a lot to offer the children in my life in ways that didn’t include being their parent.”

This is my story, without some of the embellishment in the original post. In fact, it may be many women’s stories and the comments on the post certainly confirmed that. However, within the framework of menopause and remaining childless, the theme does change slightly and the question becomes:

Is the loss of fertility the postmenopause curtain call?

I realize that remaining childless is not always a decision and that fertility issues and treatment of certain diseases can affect a woman’s reproductive system in ways that are out her control, and in ways that may be detrimental to her emotional health and her relationships with others as well as to herself, particularly if she wants to have children. However, menopause, and the cessation of the menses and ability to reproduce don’t need to be a curtain call, even if the decision to remain without a child was one that physiology made for you. The opportunities afforded by being childless in this transitional life stage can be very rewarding, particularly if your intimate and personal relationships are strong and your support net is cast wide enough.

In my post, I wrote:

“My life has been filled and surrounded by children for almost two decades now. I am an Aunt to three wonderful, amazing nephews and spending time with them brings me more pleasure than I can adequately express. I am also a surrogate Aunt to the children of an old friend, and although I don’t see them quite as often as I would like, I recently came to the realization that their presence, however sporadic, enriches my experience as a human being and as a woman in ways, again, for which there are no words.”

The loss of my fertility moves me to the next chapter, one that I don’t face with trepidation or more importantly, a need to explain myself.  I have rich relationships and a wonderful support network. I am free to “be” in my body, my life and in my work. I am free to selfishly indulge myself in my nephews’ unique views of the world, their personalities and their sharing of themselves and their time. I am free to relish in the experience of a friend’s daughter as she leaves the child I knew at the age of two and enters her twenty-sixth year.

And yet, this freedom is not without an occasional longing for what will never be.  

The ‘what-ifs’ are part of the experience of being human. And while I might indulge in the occasional fantasy of “what might have been had I…,” I accept that part of what the transition to menopause allows is ability to take stock, accept and move into the next chapter with open arms.

I am not a parent. But I am an Aunt, for life. I have been given a gift; not of bearing of a child, but the privilege of spending time with children on my terms and on theirs.

Postmenopause isn’t a curtain call, but rather, the next act.

Liz Scherer is a digital copywriter, health reporter, medical writer, marketing and social media consultant, blogger and women’s health advocate. Her work has appeared in Mslexia, Book Magazine, McCall's and various other women's magazines, journals, wires and websites. Liz’s blog, Flashfree, which focuses on issues relevant to midlife and menopause, is consistently rated as one of the top women's health blogs. She is also a monthly contributor to Women Grow Business.

Published: September 8, 2010